MY HEART HAS ALWAYS BEEN IN TEACHING
BUT DURING THIS PANDEMIC YEAR, I LOST THAT CONNECTION WITH WHAT I LOVED.
I became the sole headteacher of Mount Street Academy in September 2019. To say that my first year of headship wasn’t what I expected would be an understatement!
The discovery of regular Mindfulness practice has been vital to keep me grounded and present in my leadership in the midst of COVID-19. It has changed my relationship to busy-ness, to fear and helped me to fall back in love with my work - at a time when I needed it most.
Changing my relationship to busy-ness
When I was younger my mum used to call me a “fizz up” and “pop off” person. Putting this slightly more professionally as a school leader I would say I have a tendency to react and I didn’t realise just how busy I was until I started these Mindfulness practices.
When I had tried to stop and take a break previously, my body might have paused but my mind was still racing away - whether in school or at home. Mindfulness gave me permission as a leader to pause, to let my body and mind calm down.
Of course, this is harder than it sounds! But I found stopping entirely what I was doing, taking a few deep, intentional breaths, becoming still and finding a micro moment of pause to check in with myself was very powerful. It was a chance to ask - what assumptions might I be making in this moment? To register any fear and anxiety that might be bubbling up, and wait. What I found was a deep place of calm and understanding - even if just for a moment - and this helped me decide what to say or do in the next moment with a little more consideration and clarity. In finding time for me so I could find time for others.
Changing my relationship to fear
This has been a revelation to me, particularly in the second lock down which was was more difficult – for everyone. Yes, we were more organised as a school system and I knew what we needed to do but not everyone agreed with the decisions I made.
Mindfulness helped me to handle these difficulties without feeling personally attacked or overwhelmed. I was able to stay balanced in the midst of challenge. I was able to dedicate time and space in meetings to opening up my perspective of what was happening and as a result of this I saw that my staff were also afraid and anxious. But rather than shrink from this, I now have the skills to come up close to it and explore it. I have leaned into the fear with curiosity and kindness, got to know it and then found my inner courage. I have learned that by exploring what’s going on inside me, I can find my own leadership strength to be with any situation, however challenging. I am now able to say ‘I might not like what has just happened, but I can face it and be with it without giving myself a hard time.’
In other words ‘I invited my tiger to tea’.
Through this, I was able to reach a shared understanding with the staff, re-orientating ourselves towards our values and our commitment to make the school a haven and place of safety.
Falling back in love with my work.
My heart has always been in teaching since the age of 6, but during this pandemic year I lost that connection with what I loved about the job. Maybe it was the day to day operational work of keeping the staff safe, making sure the building was COVID secure, or wading through mountains of guidance. Whatever it was, I had lost my purpose, I had stopped remembering why I was here, I had begun to fall out of love with my work.
Then I remembered a boy I had taught 20 years ago who tragically took his own life as a young man. I had met him just a couple of years ago and watched on with amazement as he recounted numerous moments he remembered from being in my class. I had remembered none of these small experiences – but they mattered so much to him.
In that moment I knew that my purpose isn’t just demonstrated in the big things, the strategies and the improvement plans, but in the small daily encounters, in acts of kindness and in being present. Mindfulness has helped me deliberately reconnect with this purpose and I now take regular ‘awe walks’ around the school, cultivating these moments of gratitude. A child’s smile, the gift of a dandelion, a lost shoe found, the small child who I took the time to be wholly present for as he told me his troubles. I have learned to savour these moments and this has helped me redress the balance from going home full of everything that didn't go well to remembering that which delighted me.
It has made all the difference.
Rachael Horn, Headteacher - Mount Street Academy, Lincoln