I have given myself permission to grow again.
As school leaders we are programmed to care for others, to plan for others, to facilitate and enable the development of others.
We give no or little thought to what’s left for us.
This year I have seen so many of my Headteacher friends and colleagues start to crumble – the role is always challenging but Covid -19 has made it almost unmanageable in lots of ways.
Looking back now over my career I can see how I have been living ‘from the neck up’, always thinking and doing, and dragging my body pretty thoughtlessly around. All my questions were outward – towards strategy, vision and performance. The moments for me, and I would say many leaders, to go inward and question and inquire into my inner state and inner worlds were few and far between. Much of the time, however much I tried to hide it, I would describe myself as ‘frazzled’.
So, as hugely daunting as it was, I decided to take time to be with myself and go into my inner world. I started learning about and practicing Mindfulness and the benefits to me and my leadership have been extraordinary.
Mindfulness has helped me to stop, ground myself and breathe which has helped me to become calmer and more present. Sounds easy doesn't it? Its not! Part of this learning has been to notice ‘transitions’ points when I move from one activity to another such as before entering a meeting or getting out of the car. I now stop, breathe and - for the briefest of moments - I come out of autopilot (where I previously spent much of my time). I focus not on ‘what am I about to do’, but on ‘how am I about to do it’.
Knowing that I have allowed myself that space to make that choice - this small shift - has had a significant impact on me showing up as my best self in the world, in school and with colleagues. I genuinely have had pockets of awakening and insights that I have never allowed myself to experience before. I have given myself permission to grow again.
I know there are leaders who might resist this type of inner work. It’s daunting and it’s serious. Part of what empowered me to make the decision was the realisation that so much of my leadership had been ‘on speed’; busy and action oriented. On reflection, this was at times a means of escaping myself and the voice in my head that questions my ability. As a result of regular Mindfulness practices I am now aware of this and am becoming more content with who I am.
It’s definitely a journey but when I feel myself becoming unbalanced and once again retreating into busy-ness I just say to myself;
“Lesley - pause – you are not a to do list!”